Don't Marry For Love...

Today, I got an email from my frat brother/spec/GREAT friend about finding and keeping a life partner. I read it with great interest not only because the boyfriend (we'll call him CDQ) and I are very serious, but because relationship stuff always interest me. The article written by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A implores you to ask yourself the following 5 questions to gage how serious you are about finding a life partner--

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) You can grow apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.

How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A good person is "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other-What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

So after reading the questions and discussing them with a co-worker (and new friend) I can truly say that the relationship I have with CDQ is definitely moving towards marriage. CDQ and I definitely share a common life purpose seeing as though we both work in the education field, and truly have a passions for making a difference in this crazy world. Our communication with one another gets better and better everyday, and I definitely trust that he wouldn't "punish" me for expressing my thoughts and feelings. He is always encouraging me to talk to him about things....good or bad. I think questions 3 and 4 kinda go together, and I will say that CDQ is very good person that is always seeking new ways to make himself better. In additon, he constantly puts others before himself. Despite his tough exterior, he is a very caring person. In terms of question 5, nope. There isn't anything I would change about him because if I did then he wouldn't be the man I love. I don't want a fabricated version of him. This doesn't mean that he is perfect, but I believe that love isn't about finding the perfect person, but it is about loving the imperfect person perfectly :-)

I sent the email to CDQ, so I look forward to hearing his opinions. We've been evaluating our relationship a lot lately being as though we are planning to move into together. I'll be blogging more about that later ;-)

-Ace of Rambles

And Now I Wait...

So yesterday I had my interview with DC Teaching Fellows. I arrived at about 8:20 am, and only about 5 people were there. By the start of the morning there were about 80 candidates there, and they broke us up into groups of 7-8 after having a brief meeting from 9:00 to 9:20am. Once in our groups we went into a classroom where the DCTF staff assigned to our group introduced themselves and went over the schedule for the day. The two staff members for my group are current teachers with DCPS, and both came through the Fellows program. So, after introducing ourselves to the group each person did a 5 minute teaching sample (my favorite part!). I did my teaching sample on when to use the letters c and k for the 'k' sound (Shout out to Ms. Rice!), and it went really well. I was able to get through all the parts concisely without feeling rushed. There was only one other lesson in my group that I thought really worked in the 5 minute period. *shrug* Next, was the writing sample. We had 20 minutes to read a prompt and respond to it as if we were teachers. Then, there was a group discussion. This part of the interview kinda sucked because there was this one guy in group that dominated the conversation. He was cutting people off and talking over them. Luckily, we were given about 5 minutes at the end of the discussion to write a response to the topic. After the group discussions all the candidates reconvened for a presentation about what will happen if we're picked. There was also a Q & A session. I had to leave the presentation earlier because I was scheduled for the first one-on-one interview. The DCTF staff person I interviewed with was one of the leaders of my group. She was really nice and made me feel very comfortable. I always find it weird/nerve-racking when people take notes the entire time I'm talking during an interview, but she was very good about responding with non-verbal cues like nodding or saying mmhmm. Overall, I think the day went really well.

And now I wait...and anyone who knows me knows patience is something I am truly working on. I will receive notification of whether or I've been selected by February 7th. If I am selected then I will have intensive training this summer and begin teaching in the fall. I'm very excited about this opportunity, and am praying that God's Will be done. I would really love to have any grade between Head Start (3-4 year olds) and 1st grade. Elementary school is the my popular cohort and very competitive. They ask candidates to be open to teaching Special Education, which I am. Last year there were about 2000 applications and 118 people were picked. The best thing about interviewing at the first even is that the chances of being picked are greater. They will notify candidates if they've been picked before they have the next interview event as oppose to having all the interviews and then picking.

By joining DCTF I hope to fulfill my goal of having the chance to save the world. I truly believe that better schools produce better students. Better students mean better people in the world, which in turn creates a better society. I have been told that I have a superman complex (which I think many women have actually), and that I want to save everyone...and everything. I have always been a fixer, so this is something I'm beginning to accept though it can be very challenging at times. One of my favorite quotes states, “There are those who see this world as it is and ask why. I see this world as it never was and ask why not."--Robert Kennedy.

Sisters....and Friends

Allies, partners in crime, rivals...Do you have a sister? If you have, you know what I mean.

I have two sisters...one older and one younger...both by 5 years.

We fight, we patch it up. We laugh at jokes that no one can understand. We have said some of the meanest things to each other. We will defend each other when others won't. We have done some of the silliest things together and there's so many stories to be recalled when we are together.

Through some of the harshest times, we became muted to one another. Yet through it all, the coldness will eventually thaw and melt away and we're right back to where we've left it, that is, like nothing has ever been missing...

This past weekend my older sister/roommate and I spent our days watching movies, playing with my niece, shopping, cooking, and really just enjoying each other. This really hasn't been something we've been able to do in the last few months because our relationship had really deteriorated due to time conflicts, work stress, new relationships, shifts in priorities, changes in life responsibilities, and who knows what else. In the last few weeks other changes have happened (relief of work stress, better scheduling, and a CONSCIOUS decision to make things change) and now I feel our relationship getting better....coming back. As we move closer to the day (April/May) when we no longer will be roommates I am confident that our sisterhood, and more importantly our friendship, will still be in tact.

I wasn't always so sure. There was a time when I was truly afraid that we'd move to separate houses or apartments and only speak to each other at holiday dinners or birthday. I didn't want that to be the relationship I had with my sister, and I am so thankful that it wont be. This doesn't mean that we wont disagree on things or that we won't be upset with each other, but I can promise that on my end of things I don't ever want our relationship to be at rock bottom...been there...wont do it again.

With that though, I understand that we BOTH have to put forth an effort in this relationship. We BOTH have to be willing to meet each other in the middle. And we BOTH have to understand that things change. We aren't 10 and 5 anymore. I can't expect her to always rescue me, and she cant expect to me to be the little curious kid that will do anything she says just cause. Amy Li says, "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." and I couldn't agree more.

-Ace of Rambles

Philippians 1:6

One of my favorite verses (hence the tattoo) in the Bible is Philippians 1:6, which states: Be confident of this, He who begins a great work in you will bring it to completion. I know that God is working on me every day, and the day He feels that my work is done will be the day He will call me home. Until that day I have to have faith that God is still working on me. In the Book of Philippians Paul writes thank-you letters to the believers of Philippi and gives them instructions on how to live as Christians. Paul teaches advises them that it is by modeling Christ that one can receive joy. As cliche as it sounds, I know that 2010 will be full of JOY year, not happiness. The difference is that happiness is dependent upon one's environment and circumstance( getting a compliment, enjoying a favorite hobby, seeing a long lost friend, etc). Joy is what you have when no matter what is happening around you (no job, struggling to pay the bills, broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, crashed your car, whatever) you can still be thankful, still be happy, still be kind, and still be loving! Joy is also when you place others before yourself and Jesus before all others ("J"esus, "O"thers, "Y"ourself) It will be a year of being stretched, of learning, and of COMPLETION, and I will have JOY through it all! Some may wonder how I am so sure. I am sure because I know that 2010 represents the completeness of order, marking the entire round of anything, is, therefore, the ever-present signification of the number ten. It implies that nothing is wanting; that the number and order are perfect; that the whole cycle is complete. (source) This makes me VERY excited and I can't wait to see what happens next.

-Ace of Rambles

Are You Greaking Kididng Me?!? Deux

Like many people I get a kick out of the America Idol auditions. After a long day yesterday, I welcomed the laughter. This guys was my favorite.

Like really? Is he freaking kidding me?!?! His name is Norberto Guerrero and here is the commentary from Simon.

-Ace of Rambles

Rude Awakening

As some one who has earned a degree in Communication and Culture I thought that I was a VERY effective communicator. I received a rude awakening today. I was perusing some articles on communication and realized that I do a lot of things that are defined as ineffective communication. I have become one of those people that sees the faults in others and not in his/herself....*hangs head*

According to Dr. Phil Rich (no not the Dr. Phil you're thinking) ineffective communication consists of one or more the following elements:

	Indirect (doesn't get to the point, never clearly states purpose or intention)
	Passive (timid and reserved)
	Antagonistic (angry, aggressive, or hostile tone)
	Cryptic (underlying message or purpose is obscured and requires interpretation)
	Hidden (true agenda is never stated directly)
	Non-verbal (meaning is communicated through body language and behaviors, not words)
	One way (more talk than listening)
	Unresponsive (little interest in the perspective or needs of the other person)
	Off base (responses and needs of the other person are misunderstood and misinterpreted)
	Dishonest (dishonest statements are substituted for true feelings, thoughts, and needs)

I will say that I am an effective communicator in some aspects of my life, but not in others. Consequently, in the relationships that I need to be the most effective is where I am suffering the most. I have no problem communicating with those I have a less intimate relationship with. With those people closest to me I struggle, and maybe it because I fear upsetting them, losing them, being judged by them. etc. This isn't something I am proud of, but it is something I am working on.

Thank God for introspection and the reminder that EFFECTIVE communication is:

	Direct (to-the-point, leaving no doubt as to meaning or purpose)
	Assertive (not afraid to state what is wanted or why)
	Congenial (affable and friendly)
	Clear (underlying issues are clear)
	Open (no intentionally hidden messages or meaning)
	Verbal (words are used to clearly express ideas)
	Two way (equal amounts of talking and listening)
	Responsive (attention paid to the needs and perspective of the other person)
	On Track (correctly interprets responses and need of the other person)
	Honest (true feelings, thoughts, and needs are stated

-Ace of Rambles

Being The BEST Me!

I recently came to the conclusion that I am not being the best version of myself possible, and it is beginning to effect my relationships. Therefore, I have decided to stop and take a conscious look at myself and make some changes regarding my attitude and the way I communicate my feelings. I also want to start taking more time in my day for devotionals. I can remember being in undergrad and going to Bible Studies, Prayer Meetings, and Choir Rehearsals and feeling so happy, rejuvenated, and positive. I miss that feeling...and it is showing.

I want to better version of myself not just for me, but so I can be the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, frat brother, friend...well you get the point. I really believe that wanting to change is the first step in working on myself, and I know it's not all going to come together in one day, which is find because patience is something I need to work on too. :-)

-Ace of Rambles

PS I am still excited about being able to blog from my phone though I did not send this from my phone...

UPDATE--Pandora played Marvin Sapps' Not The Time, Not the Place and it really spoke to me. Here are the lyrics to the first verse:
This is not the time for giving up
This is not your place where you should be
Not the time or the place to lie in defeat
You got to hold on you got be strong
This is not not the time to question your faith
This is not your place of destiny
It’s not the time or the place to throw in the towel
You gotta hold on you you gotta be strong
Sometimes you win Sometimes you lose
It’s apart of life that everyone goes through
Sometimes there’s joy sometimes there’s pain
That’s apart of God’s plan it is His own plan

Chorus:(2xs)
This is not the time(not the time not the place)
Just believe in the faith
Gotta learn how to wait

It works!!

I'm trying the option of being able to blog from my phone. Bare with me. :-)

I didnt want to type out this great blog and this not work, so I'm going to use this as a test.

No Pants Metro Ride?!?!?

I meant to post this yesterday, but here it is today!

On Sunday, January 10th riders participated in the No Pants Metro Ride. It was VERY cold in the DC metro area yesterday, but that didn't stop folks from participating. This is just another one of those silly things that people in DC do. Here are some pictures from the event courtesy of the organizers' Flickr group. Enjoy!

Bra Colors Show Support For Breast Cancer Awareness

Many of you may have logged onto Facebook yesterday and saw women posting colors in their statuses and wonder, "What the heck?" Some of my favorites were: hot pink with black polka dots, turquoise with black lace, and Betty Boop print! Mass text messages and emails were being sent that said: Ladies! Post your bra color in your status to show support for Breast Cancer Awareness, and in honor of survivors and suffers. Also, DONT TELL MEN! The fun was in seeing all the guys go crazy trying to figure out why we were posting just colors in our statuses. *Hi-5* to whoever came up with the idea and to the ladies that participated.

According to the National Cancer Institute, in 2009 there were 192, 370 new cases of women with Breast Cancer and 1, 910 new cases for me. There were 40, 170 females who dies from Breast Cancer in 2009 and 440 men. Some people thought that posting your bra color in your status was silly, but I dont think there is anything silly about prompting a conversation that could save lives. I'm glad I participated.

-Ace of Rambles

UPDATE--Story posted on Washington Post

A Little Funny

I have the same routine everyday. I catch the shuttle to the train station. Grab an Express paper. Wait for the train. Get on train. Check email and Facebook from my phone until I go underground. Once underground I read the Express. In the Express the other day there was a comic that I thought was VERY funny....hope you enjoy!

Google is like everything to me. Some of my friends have even nicknamed me Google because I'm always talking about how I learned something from Google. LOL

-Ace of Rambles

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!?!?

So in the light of news headlines from yesterday that made me say, "Are you freaking kidding me?!?!" I have decided to title this blog the same....and discuss said articles.

First up, Use of word Negro on 2010 census forms raises memories of Jim Crow--NY Daily News. This may be the HBCU in me, but get the heck outta here!! I definitely don't use words that were used to describe my ancestors when they were thought of as 3/5 of a human. I identify with being of African decent and American decent. Thus, I am African-American. Census Bureau spokesman Jack Martin said the use of "Negro" was intended as a term of inclusion. "Many older African-Americans identified themselves that way, and many still do," he said. "Those who identify themselves as Negroes need to be included."
Many African Americans (or Black people) still consider and call themselves the N word, but does that mean it is appropriate for the Census? I think not...way to go Congress for approving this nonsense *eye roll* Oh, and here is the actual form.

Next, Sandra Bullock is nominated for a NAACP Image Award for her role in 'The Blind Side'. Not that I dont like Sandra Bullock's work, but the purpose of NAACP Image Awards is to celebrate "outstanding achievements and performances of people of color in the arts as well as those individuals or groups who promote social justice." In a time where African American actresses still struggle to get leading roles in movie and television, let alone be nominated for their work, I think that nomination should have gone to a different actress. I guess Beyonce's role in 'Obsessed' wasnt good enough...lol

Thirdly, Chris Henry's Fiancee won't be charged. I can't say that I am surprised though. When I was discussing this incident with some friends I was trying to explain to them that if the police can't prove that she acted unlawful (i.e. driving over the speed limit) then they would not be able to charge her. (Shout out to my Legal Communications degree and B+ in Business Law...lol). The people I was having my discussion with believe that if the genders were switched then Chris Henry would have been charged. I disagree, and my argument would still be the same. If there isn't proof of illegal activity, then he/she shouldn't be charged.

Lastly, Arenas suspended indefinitely--ESPN.com Did Gilbert not learn anything from Plaxico Burress?? SMH But no seriously, what in the world made Arenas think bringing a gun into the arena would be a good idea? All I can do is wish Gilbert luck because DC has some of the most serious gun laws in the nation.

There were MANY more things in the news yesterday I could blog about, but these were the top four. Stay tuned for the next edition of Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!?! :-)

-Ace of Rambles

Public Displays of Love...

Hey peeps! I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today, but when I opened up my email and *poof* a topic was right there....YAY!

Let me provide some background, so that we'll all be on the same page. I'm a member of a co-ed service fraternity. My boyfriend pledged at a different chapter, but is also member of this fraternity (and a social fraternity), and we have other friends that are dating that are also members. I say all this to say it is not uncommon for Brothers (males and females of the fraternity are called brothers) to date one another. Quite often Brothers from the same chapters will date....we do spend A LOT of time together, so it's bound to happen. However, my boyfriend is from a different chapter. Anyway, as a member of a Greek Letter Organization (GLO) many members opt to get paraphernalia to show the pride they have in their organization. I have 2 jackets that I love and that represent me. I have several shirts and a key chain also. My boyfriend and I have pictures that have been photo-shopped and I want to get a paddle together. Items like jackets and shirts are mostly personalized with information pertaining to the person wearing. Items like key chains, paddles, license plates, and house mats are sometimes split to represent two people dating.

Okay, soooo here's the story--I know a couple (that I LOVE very much) in the process of purchasing a fraternity jacket representing both of them...which they plan to share! Though the jacket is very nice in a design sense I personally would not make this choice in my relationship....or for my pocket. I mean obviously people have a right to do whatever it is they want, but my initial thought was, "Who gets the jacket if they break up?"This led me to thinking about people who get their bf/gf name's tattooed on them. It's is something seen all the time with celebrities...and us regular folk alike. And no a jacket isn't permanent like a tattoo, but I just think there many ways to express the love you have for a person that don't involve spending unnecessary amounts of money or getting things that are basically permanent. If a break up happens then the same feeling of regret is there.

I'm sure we've all heard the "myth" of how it is bad luck to get someone's name tattooed on you. And though I put myth in quotes I have seen it proven true...on several occasions. I'm sure there are plenty of instances of couples that don't break up after being tattooed. And yes, I have even thought about getting my boyfriend's name tattooed on me (and him getting mine on him), but this is something we'd do once we were married, and it's more likely to be a symbol that represents our union (so if we break up we can lie to people about what it means...LOL!) BUT it is still VERY risky decision. And a decisions that would come after years of being together.

My grandparents love each other more than any other couple I know and they don't have each other's names tattooed on them. Does that mean that Jane and John (or Tyrone and Tameka...lol) love each other more than my grandparents love each because Jane and John get tattoos? Absolutely not. I know my grandfather loves my grandmother because he still holds her hand after recently celebrating 47 years of marriage. I know they love each other because my grandmother still looks at him with a glimmer in her eyes.

I respect every couple's right (especially this one because I know them personally) to express their love in any way they feel, BUT since this is my blog and I'm the Ace of Rambles I'm going to say that I disagree. There are other ways to express your undying love that don't involve ink....or thread :-)

-Ace of Rambles

Mz. Independent???

So, as I stated in my last post I recently re-injured a foot that I previously had sprained, and because of this the doctor has put me on crutches for 1 to 3 weeks. This means I have to depend more on other people to help me get around. I'm not completely excited by this...or very comfortable. My boyfriend has been very attentive today and I appreciate all he has done, but having to ask him to do simple things (i.e. get me a cup of water, heat up my food, hand me the remote) because it is really difficult or painful for me to do myself makes me uncomfortable...kinda. A part of me is saying that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking the man I see my future with for help, but the other part is saying that having to ask him makes me feel like I'm giving up independence, which is SCARY!

I think anytime that I HAVE to have someone do something for me scares me. Asking people for help is something that really has a physical effect on me. My stomach gets all tied up and my heart races. I don't know if the anxiety comes from them rejecting me or them having this power over me that now I owe them something....maybe it's a combination of both. I don't usually get this feeling with simple tasks like the ones I describe above, but often times with tasks that hold more stake or can be seen as more bothersome...like a ride somewhere or borrowing $5.

I heard somewhere that a truly strong person knows how and when to ask for help. I cant say that I completely agree with this statement. I don't think of myself as a weak person overall though I may struggle with certain aspects of life. But who doesn't? I think that as a young adult (who often has been called spoiled...but that's another blog for another day) I have tried to truly stand on my own more and more over the last few years. And my standing on my own has truly affected all aspects of my life. I'm not the lioness hear me roar type of woman that will push a man out of the way to open my own door, but I am the type of woman that likes for my man to know I can bring just as much as he can to the table.

Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.--George Bernard Shaw

There is no such thing as being too independent.--Victoria Billings

Soooooo, which quote holds more truth??

-Ace of Rambles

No Longer a Blogging Virgin!

First, let me thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm very excited to be doing this blog. I love reading blogs, as wells as writing so I figured I'd take a stab at having my own blog.

I named this blog (with the help of my boyfriend) Up Close & IntraPersonal because I plan to use this blog as a tool of not only communicating, but also to evaluate myself, my thoughts, ideas, and life. I hope that you will join this conversation by commenting and providing feedback. :-)

As stated, I really love reading blogs, which means often times I'll probably post things that I see on other blogs. Such as this post. Girl, Uninterrupted is a frat brother of mine and very close friend. I often read her blog and I am amazed and inspired by her strength.

So, as I sit here with my foot propped up (I suffered a "severe contusion" today on a foot that I had previously sprained) I am thinking of all the wonderful things I plan to share with you all on this journey and I hope you will join me....

-Ace of Rambles