Stopping To Take A Breath

Happy Labor Day!!! Today seems like the first day I have had even just a moment to write anything since my last posts. So, what's been going on?

School has started. Tomorrow will be the start of the 3rd week. I have 20 curious, awesome, loving, playful Pre-Kindergarten students. Everyday they make me happy to wake up and influence their first learning moments. There have been moments in the day when I wanted to pull my hair out, but then comes over to me and says, "I like you." and I realize it is so worth it. Coming from a family of educators I have always had a love and admiration for teachers, but now being in their shoes my respect has grown enormously. I am fortunate enough to work with a pretty great group of educators. My mentor is AMAZING! She's been teaching for 10 years and was the Pre-K teacher last year, but decided to loop with her students to teach Kindergarten. She's a 5'2 ball of fire that is hilarious. I am truly looking forward to learning a lot from her....and my kids.

The boyfriend and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary on the 28th. It was nice. I was feeling a little down about it at first because last year we went to San Juan, Puerto Rico to celebrate. This year we weren't able to do anything as lavish, but we enjoyed a great dinner and went to see Takers (mmmmmm Idris Elba). It was really nice just to hang out and relax for a little while. We haven't been able to do much of that this summer.
I am sooooooooooooo looking forward to this influx in income! Not just because I will be making seriously twice as much I was making this time last year, but because now I am in position to really start to pay off my school loans, medical bills, and other debt I have acquired. Being debt free is VERY important to me. I want to be able to do what I want and desire with my hard earned paychecks without this cloud of bill collectors hovering over me. Beside this little beauty is calling my name...
Until next time,
-Ace of Rambles

SURPRISE!

So, I was in Pittsburgh this past weekend to celebrate my younger sister's graduation and came home to a lovely surprise. The house was SPARKLING clean, dinner was made, and a brand new Dell Inspiron Mini laptop was waiting for me! I was already coming off a great trip home, but then the laptop was the icing on the cake. I mentioned a while ago that I wanted to get a mini laptop before training started for DCTF. However, I havent been able to get it because I have been saving money due to the fact that I will be working all summer without an income. It really touched me that my beau (I love that word) would hear/see my want/need and make it happen. I most definitely appreciate the sacrifice.

Being loved is awesome!

-Ace of Rambles

Loving What I Have

As I sit here typing this my guy is sleeping on the couch, and I cant help but look over at him and smile. My two mentors/friends at work always make fun of me for blushing when I talk about him, and even some of my closest friends compliment on my "glow". It's been almost 2 years. We've had our ups and our downs. Our happy moments and our teary nights. But we've done it together. We work on out relationship (and ourselves) constantly, which helps each day get better and better. It's funny to think that when I first met him I couldnt stand him and would have been happy to never see him again...and now I cant see my life without him and cant sleep unless he is right next to me.

-Ace of Rambles

Sunday is the BIG day....and I'm scared....

So, as I lay on the couch with a broken ankle (another post for another day) I think about how close I am to everything in my life changing. On Sunday the bf and I will move in together. EEK!

For whatever reason I am feeling VERY nervous and anxious. More on this later.

-Ace of Rambles

Shacking Up--Living in Sin or Smart Planning?

I've been working on this post for awhile now as I am in the process of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, and it seems that I have quite a few friends who are getting ready to move in with their significant others or recently have done so. Today I posted on my Facebook status-[Ace of Rambles] wants YOUR opinion--Is it considered 'shacking-up' if you're engaged? And does 'shacking-up' even matter these days? The responses came in...and quickly. There were a variety of responses, but mainly fell into these categories-

1. Shacking up is sin.
2. Living together before being getting married is bad idea.
3. Living together before getting married is a good idea, but shouldn't be done for a long period of time.

I can definitely see all three sides (and there are probably more) to the argument. I spent the better part of my childhood witness to my mother living with a man that she wasnt married to, and for the most part to this day I still refer to him as my step-father though his relationship with my mother has dissolved. I personally don't think them choosing to live together before getting married was what caused their relationship to end, but I'd have to ask my mother and him to be totally sure. I have also seen living together prior to being married bring two people closer together, as well as the couple maturing together and individually. I have a friend who was dating someone for 3 years before they lived together. They lived together for a year and she knew that she was not ready yet to make that commitment. They took another year apart and now they're back together and they feel things couldn't be better.

A different friend of mine expressed that her reasoning for not wanting to live with someone prior to marriage is because she likes her own space. I feel that someone who claims to enjoy their personal space so much would be more likely to take a trial run at living together before getting married. What happens when you think you are ready to be married, you get married, and the 2 months after living together you realize that marriage is so NOT in your life plan, and that you value your personal space much more than you realized?

I echo the sentiments of one of the responses on my status--"I believe in trial runs...I don't agree with livin together for years and years before marriage.if that's the case just call it common law and never actually go to the courthouse.but I do believe its necessary for ppl to know how they'll truly interact with each other once they're personal space is taken away. Spendin the night is not gon give u the full effect. Spendin a couple months with each other def will....I use my friend as an ex. She and her bf were together for 2 years and they were thinkin bout marriage...lived together for 6 months and decided they just weren't ready for that step.sometimes u gotta know where he keeps the ketchup...in the cabinet or in the fridge.lol" Many people think that spending the night with your significant other will give you idea of how it will be to live together, but I disagree because when you spend the night you ALWAYS have the option of going home when you want your own space.
I obviously fall into the 3rd category. I believe that living with my boyfriend will be good for us. It is something we've discussed extensively and share they same philosophy. We both agree that moving in together is the next step in our relationship, but more importantly we both know it isn't something we will be doing for an extensive period of time without walking down the aisle. Before we ever started dating he made it VERY clear that the next woman he got into a relationship with would the last.

Our decision to live together was just that our decision. I'm not concerned with whether or not people agree because we are doing what we think is good for US.

What are your thoughts?

-Ace of Rambles

Guest Appearance

Hey! I wanted to take the chance and post an article from my friend The Lady. She is a new columnist for Polished Cleveland and this is her first article. I think everything she says in the article is so on point and I look forward to see what she puts out next. Make sure y'all support her! So here it goes....

The Lady Says: He Say, She Say
Written by The Lady

Ladies, how often, when communicating with a man, do you find yourselves thinking, “I could have sworn he meant, >>>insert your interpretation here<<<” only to find out you were so off base, Ray Charles could have struck you out? Well, I am going to help you decipher this “secret language” to better understand and hopefully, spare you hurt feelings.

Space, the final frontier

HE said: “I just need some space.”

SHE heard: “I’m really stressed about, xyz, and will be okay in a few days.”

HE means: “We’ve been spending too much time together and I want to explore my options, but I don’t want to lose you either.”

The Lady says: The fact of the matter is you now need to accept this for what it is worth and continue to live and enjoy your life. If he wants space, give it to him but make sure you understand what he truly means when making the statement. The downside is he will fall off the face of the earth which means he was not good for you anyway. The upside is he will have a greater appreciation for you and hopefully, your relationship can flourish.

Too busy *side-eye*

HE said: “I have a crazy schedule and no time for a serious relationship.”

SHE heard: “I want to spend time with you but am so busy with work, volunteering, etc.”

HE means: “I’m not really into you and you’re not worth my time BUT I don’t mind a few late night visits.”

The Lady says: You make time for the things we want. PERIOD. Be especially wary of the man who is too busy for you yet has time to hang out with the fellas, plan trips (w/o you) and only calls when he wants “something.”

Just a Friend

HE said: “She’s just an old friend.”

SHE heard: “She’s a girl I used to fool around with.”

HE means: “She’s a girl I used to fool around with.”

The Lady says: If you are in a dating situation and your man has a female “friend” whom you have only heard him speak of, chances are, there was something going on between them in the past (or currently). This is not to suggest, men cannot be platonic friends with women but more often than not, you’ll meet his real female friends. Tread lightly on this issue as you don’t want to appear jealous and psycho.

I’ll call you…

HE said: “I had fun tonight; I’ll give you a call.”

SHE heard: “I can’t wait to see you again.”

HE means: If satisfied with the date, “I am going to call for a second date”; if undecided, “If I don’t have anything else to do, I’ll call.”

The Lady says: Take it for what it is worth. If you had a great time, then say so but do not drive yourself crazy waiting for his call and fantasizing about the next time you will see him. Get a grip. If you really want to talk to him but he has not called, then you call him. At least you will not have to wonder if he is interested and you can stop worrying.

It’s complicated

HE said: “I don’t have a girlfriend but I am seeing someone *sigh* it’s complicated.”

SHE heard: “I don’t have a girlfriend and am about to break it off with the one I’m seeing for you.”

HE means: “I have a girlfriend but am hoping you don’t care and let me have my cake and eat it too.

The Lady says: RUN! Run, far and fast! There is no mistaking; he is looking for some extra-credit. If he was in such a complicated situation, why stay? Ask yourself, do you really want to be bothered with a man who is indecisive and plays games? Hmph, there you have it.

Please understand, in each situation, there is always room for interpretation. However, you must learn to become effective communicators. If you are unsure, just ask instead of over-thinking the situation. It really is that simple.

Peace,

The Lady

Don't Marry For Love...

Today, I got an email from my frat brother/spec/GREAT friend about finding and keeping a life partner. I read it with great interest not only because the boyfriend (we'll call him CDQ) and I are very serious, but because relationship stuff always interest me. The article written by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A implores you to ask yourself the following 5 questions to gage how serious you are about finding a life partner--

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) You can grow apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.

How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A good person is "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other-What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

So after reading the questions and discussing them with a co-worker (and new friend) I can truly say that the relationship I have with CDQ is definitely moving towards marriage. CDQ and I definitely share a common life purpose seeing as though we both work in the education field, and truly have a passions for making a difference in this crazy world. Our communication with one another gets better and better everyday, and I definitely trust that he wouldn't "punish" me for expressing my thoughts and feelings. He is always encouraging me to talk to him about things....good or bad. I think questions 3 and 4 kinda go together, and I will say that CDQ is very good person that is always seeking new ways to make himself better. In additon, he constantly puts others before himself. Despite his tough exterior, he is a very caring person. In terms of question 5, nope. There isn't anything I would change about him because if I did then he wouldn't be the man I love. I don't want a fabricated version of him. This doesn't mean that he is perfect, but I believe that love isn't about finding the perfect person, but it is about loving the imperfect person perfectly :-)

I sent the email to CDQ, so I look forward to hearing his opinions. We've been evaluating our relationship a lot lately being as though we are planning to move into together. I'll be blogging more about that later ;-)

-Ace of Rambles

Sisters....and Friends

Allies, partners in crime, rivals...Do you have a sister? If you have, you know what I mean.

I have two sisters...one older and one younger...both by 5 years.

We fight, we patch it up. We laugh at jokes that no one can understand. We have said some of the meanest things to each other. We will defend each other when others won't. We have done some of the silliest things together and there's so many stories to be recalled when we are together.

Through some of the harshest times, we became muted to one another. Yet through it all, the coldness will eventually thaw and melt away and we're right back to where we've left it, that is, like nothing has ever been missing...

This past weekend my older sister/roommate and I spent our days watching movies, playing with my niece, shopping, cooking, and really just enjoying each other. This really hasn't been something we've been able to do in the last few months because our relationship had really deteriorated due to time conflicts, work stress, new relationships, shifts in priorities, changes in life responsibilities, and who knows what else. In the last few weeks other changes have happened (relief of work stress, better scheduling, and a CONSCIOUS decision to make things change) and now I feel our relationship getting better....coming back. As we move closer to the day (April/May) when we no longer will be roommates I am confident that our sisterhood, and more importantly our friendship, will still be in tact.

I wasn't always so sure. There was a time when I was truly afraid that we'd move to separate houses or apartments and only speak to each other at holiday dinners or birthday. I didn't want that to be the relationship I had with my sister, and I am so thankful that it wont be. This doesn't mean that we wont disagree on things or that we won't be upset with each other, but I can promise that on my end of things I don't ever want our relationship to be at rock bottom...been there...wont do it again.

With that though, I understand that we BOTH have to put forth an effort in this relationship. We BOTH have to be willing to meet each other in the middle. And we BOTH have to understand that things change. We aren't 10 and 5 anymore. I can't expect her to always rescue me, and she cant expect to me to be the little curious kid that will do anything she says just cause. Amy Li says, "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." and I couldn't agree more.

-Ace of Rambles

Rude Awakening

As some one who has earned a degree in Communication and Culture I thought that I was a VERY effective communicator. I received a rude awakening today. I was perusing some articles on communication and realized that I do a lot of things that are defined as ineffective communication. I have become one of those people that sees the faults in others and not in his/herself....*hangs head*

According to Dr. Phil Rich (no not the Dr. Phil you're thinking) ineffective communication consists of one or more the following elements:

	Indirect (doesn't get to the point, never clearly states purpose or intention)
	Passive (timid and reserved)
	Antagonistic (angry, aggressive, or hostile tone)
	Cryptic (underlying message or purpose is obscured and requires interpretation)
	Hidden (true agenda is never stated directly)
	Non-verbal (meaning is communicated through body language and behaviors, not words)
	One way (more talk than listening)
	Unresponsive (little interest in the perspective or needs of the other person)
	Off base (responses and needs of the other person are misunderstood and misinterpreted)
	Dishonest (dishonest statements are substituted for true feelings, thoughts, and needs)

I will say that I am an effective communicator in some aspects of my life, but not in others. Consequently, in the relationships that I need to be the most effective is where I am suffering the most. I have no problem communicating with those I have a less intimate relationship with. With those people closest to me I struggle, and maybe it because I fear upsetting them, losing them, being judged by them. etc. This isn't something I am proud of, but it is something I am working on.

Thank God for introspection and the reminder that EFFECTIVE communication is:

	Direct (to-the-point, leaving no doubt as to meaning or purpose)
	Assertive (not afraid to state what is wanted or why)
	Congenial (affable and friendly)
	Clear (underlying issues are clear)
	Open (no intentionally hidden messages or meaning)
	Verbal (words are used to clearly express ideas)
	Two way (equal amounts of talking and listening)
	Responsive (attention paid to the needs and perspective of the other person)
	On Track (correctly interprets responses and need of the other person)
	Honest (true feelings, thoughts, and needs are stated

-Ace of Rambles

Being The BEST Me!

I recently came to the conclusion that I am not being the best version of myself possible, and it is beginning to effect my relationships. Therefore, I have decided to stop and take a conscious look at myself and make some changes regarding my attitude and the way I communicate my feelings. I also want to start taking more time in my day for devotionals. I can remember being in undergrad and going to Bible Studies, Prayer Meetings, and Choir Rehearsals and feeling so happy, rejuvenated, and positive. I miss that feeling...and it is showing.

I want to better version of myself not just for me, but so I can be the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, frat brother, friend...well you get the point. I really believe that wanting to change is the first step in working on myself, and I know it's not all going to come together in one day, which is find because patience is something I need to work on too. :-)

-Ace of Rambles

PS I am still excited about being able to blog from my phone though I did not send this from my phone...

UPDATE--Pandora played Marvin Sapps' Not The Time, Not the Place and it really spoke to me. Here are the lyrics to the first verse:
This is not the time for giving up
This is not your place where you should be
Not the time or the place to lie in defeat
You got to hold on you got be strong
This is not not the time to question your faith
This is not your place of destiny
It’s not the time or the place to throw in the towel
You gotta hold on you you gotta be strong
Sometimes you win Sometimes you lose
It’s apart of life that everyone goes through
Sometimes there’s joy sometimes there’s pain
That’s apart of God’s plan it is His own plan

Chorus:(2xs)
This is not the time(not the time not the place)
Just believe in the faith
Gotta learn how to wait

Public Displays of Love...

Hey peeps! I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today, but when I opened up my email and *poof* a topic was right there....YAY!

Let me provide some background, so that we'll all be on the same page. I'm a member of a co-ed service fraternity. My boyfriend pledged at a different chapter, but is also member of this fraternity (and a social fraternity), and we have other friends that are dating that are also members. I say all this to say it is not uncommon for Brothers (males and females of the fraternity are called brothers) to date one another. Quite often Brothers from the same chapters will date....we do spend A LOT of time together, so it's bound to happen. However, my boyfriend is from a different chapter. Anyway, as a member of a Greek Letter Organization (GLO) many members opt to get paraphernalia to show the pride they have in their organization. I have 2 jackets that I love and that represent me. I have several shirts and a key chain also. My boyfriend and I have pictures that have been photo-shopped and I want to get a paddle together. Items like jackets and shirts are mostly personalized with information pertaining to the person wearing. Items like key chains, paddles, license plates, and house mats are sometimes split to represent two people dating.

Okay, soooo here's the story--I know a couple (that I LOVE very much) in the process of purchasing a fraternity jacket representing both of them...which they plan to share! Though the jacket is very nice in a design sense I personally would not make this choice in my relationship....or for my pocket. I mean obviously people have a right to do whatever it is they want, but my initial thought was, "Who gets the jacket if they break up?"This led me to thinking about people who get their bf/gf name's tattooed on them. It's is something seen all the time with celebrities...and us regular folk alike. And no a jacket isn't permanent like a tattoo, but I just think there many ways to express the love you have for a person that don't involve spending unnecessary amounts of money or getting things that are basically permanent. If a break up happens then the same feeling of regret is there.

I'm sure we've all heard the "myth" of how it is bad luck to get someone's name tattooed on you. And though I put myth in quotes I have seen it proven true...on several occasions. I'm sure there are plenty of instances of couples that don't break up after being tattooed. And yes, I have even thought about getting my boyfriend's name tattooed on me (and him getting mine on him), but this is something we'd do once we were married, and it's more likely to be a symbol that represents our union (so if we break up we can lie to people about what it means...LOL!) BUT it is still VERY risky decision. And a decisions that would come after years of being together.

My grandparents love each other more than any other couple I know and they don't have each other's names tattooed on them. Does that mean that Jane and John (or Tyrone and Tameka...lol) love each other more than my grandparents love each because Jane and John get tattoos? Absolutely not. I know my grandfather loves my grandmother because he still holds her hand after recently celebrating 47 years of marriage. I know they love each other because my grandmother still looks at him with a glimmer in her eyes.

I respect every couple's right (especially this one because I know them personally) to express their love in any way they feel, BUT since this is my blog and I'm the Ace of Rambles I'm going to say that I disagree. There are other ways to express your undying love that don't involve ink....or thread :-)

-Ace of Rambles

Mz. Independent???

So, as I stated in my last post I recently re-injured a foot that I previously had sprained, and because of this the doctor has put me on crutches for 1 to 3 weeks. This means I have to depend more on other people to help me get around. I'm not completely excited by this...or very comfortable. My boyfriend has been very attentive today and I appreciate all he has done, but having to ask him to do simple things (i.e. get me a cup of water, heat up my food, hand me the remote) because it is really difficult or painful for me to do myself makes me uncomfortable...kinda. A part of me is saying that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking the man I see my future with for help, but the other part is saying that having to ask him makes me feel like I'm giving up independence, which is SCARY!

I think anytime that I HAVE to have someone do something for me scares me. Asking people for help is something that really has a physical effect on me. My stomach gets all tied up and my heart races. I don't know if the anxiety comes from them rejecting me or them having this power over me that now I owe them something....maybe it's a combination of both. I don't usually get this feeling with simple tasks like the ones I describe above, but often times with tasks that hold more stake or can be seen as more bothersome...like a ride somewhere or borrowing $5.

I heard somewhere that a truly strong person knows how and when to ask for help. I cant say that I completely agree with this statement. I don't think of myself as a weak person overall though I may struggle with certain aspects of life. But who doesn't? I think that as a young adult (who often has been called spoiled...but that's another blog for another day) I have tried to truly stand on my own more and more over the last few years. And my standing on my own has truly affected all aspects of my life. I'm not the lioness hear me roar type of woman that will push a man out of the way to open my own door, but I am the type of woman that likes for my man to know I can bring just as much as he can to the table.

Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.--George Bernard Shaw

There is no such thing as being too independent.--Victoria Billings

Soooooo, which quote holds more truth??

-Ace of Rambles