Don't Marry For Love...

Today, I got an email from my frat brother/spec/GREAT friend about finding and keeping a life partner. I read it with great interest not only because the boyfriend (we'll call him CDQ) and I are very serious, but because relationship stuff always interest me. The article written by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A implores you to ask yourself the following 5 questions to gage how serious you are about finding a life partner--

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) You can grow apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.

How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A good person is "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other-What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

So after reading the questions and discussing them with a co-worker (and new friend) I can truly say that the relationship I have with CDQ is definitely moving towards marriage. CDQ and I definitely share a common life purpose seeing as though we both work in the education field, and truly have a passions for making a difference in this crazy world. Our communication with one another gets better and better everyday, and I definitely trust that he wouldn't "punish" me for expressing my thoughts and feelings. He is always encouraging me to talk to him about things....good or bad. I think questions 3 and 4 kinda go together, and I will say that CDQ is very good person that is always seeking new ways to make himself better. In additon, he constantly puts others before himself. Despite his tough exterior, he is a very caring person. In terms of question 5, nope. There isn't anything I would change about him because if I did then he wouldn't be the man I love. I don't want a fabricated version of him. This doesn't mean that he is perfect, but I believe that love isn't about finding the perfect person, but it is about loving the imperfect person perfectly :-)

I sent the email to CDQ, so I look forward to hearing his opinions. We've been evaluating our relationship a lot lately being as though we are planning to move into together. I'll be blogging more about that later ;-)

-Ace of Rambles